Dadzooka
Today my character was besmirched in the worst way imaginable by a random, internet troll. Earlier this week my family was forced to brave walmart in facemasks. Both experiences left me feeling like the worst, imaginable version of myself. My imagination is indulgent, as I imagine that most imaginations are and so my initial response to conflict is to cathartically
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To be a father is to be heartbroken. To exceed at it is to question your every choice; to understand that your every move, from the way you handle conflict to the way you butter your toast is somehow shaping the future behaviors of the people who mean more to you than anything else. There are victories but there is
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I nearly got us killed but it was a fantastic Father’s Day nonetheless. We set out into the mountains to fish with my dad first thing in the morning, which was a big deal for me as hanging out with my parents is a fairly recent development since the covid slump; I’d been looking forward to it all week. We
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How is this the world that we are living in? Nothing makes sense, each new day is more ridiculous than the last and everyone is so busy being right that ultimately, everyone is wrong. And I’m about to make a spirited defense of Paw Patrol… As a rule, I avoid discussing things of a political nature because all too often
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It’s been a while since I last blogged; what with the pandemic, the revolution and the individual rat race to whatever we are calling the “new normal.” The truth is… I have been at a loss for words. What I used to like to do was to go about my day, sharing in the otherwise commonplace horrors that were the
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Snarling. My wife was just actually snarling. I walked back into our bedroom and I heard this vaguely psychotic hissing sound, as if someone was doing their best impression of the possessed girl from “The Exorcist.” It was my wife and it’s all my fault. Let me first just say that her reaction was not unwarranted. Even in the best
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On Easter my dishwasher was broken. Specifically, it was the soap dispenser that was the culprit; the damn latchy thingy wouldn’t close. So I did what anyone would do in that situation; I failed repeatedly at trying to close it the same way for about a thousand times before punching it in it’s stupid, soap dispenser face and then slamming
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An extra large jar of peanut butter; that was our breaking point. It was early last week when the gravity of this situation became suddenly and terrifyingly apparent to me. We hadn’t been panic buying because it seemed both irrational and irresponsible. Then I noticed that the stores were looking a bit thin. Then I heard some chatter about the
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I drank a beer tonight before I came home from work. It was my third, 13 hour shift in a row. I thanked my employees for another awesome job, wished them goodnight and then I sat on a counter and just drank a beer without really thinking of much at all, except for one thing. I thought about how thankful
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Tonight, while the world trembled in fear at the prospect of the coronavirus coming to a town near them; my wife and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. An anniversary is not unlike a pandemic disease. It is overhyped for completely arbitrary reasons, we make unwise financial decisions and ultimately, despite fretting to an unhealthy degree about a future that
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I cautiously peek over the top of my phone where I am reading the latest news about the Coronavirus outbreak in the states. I see three, red eyed boys with drippy noses and droopy frowns gazing lethargically at the television. They’ve been coughing for hours, like flem fueled war drums marching ruin and despair to my peaceful homeland. My entire
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There are, I believe two tricks to living a happy life. The first is to possess gratitude; to appreciate how truly blessed that you are (and you always are.) The second, which is the harder bit, is to courageously embrace the challenges that your future holds. These things are at odds because to embrace the first leads to naturally fearing
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I was sixteen years old when I first told a girl that I loved her. She said it back and I felt as though the previously, serene pastures of my heart had been set suddenly ablaze by a fire that would consume my very world. This, I thought to myself, is love. She left me three months later after the
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I awoke this morning with a certain, eerie alertness; wide eyed and battle ready before the ominous chime of my alarm. “I know this place well.” I thought to myself, wading carefully into those familiar yet uncertain depths. I knew that it could be 5 minutes before my alarm or it could be 1:45 in the morning. Experience has taught
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The best chicken nuggets are shaped like dinosaurs… or so I used to think. Tonight, I made the incredibly adult decision of purchasing the non dinosaur shaped, chicken nuggets because they were a dollar cheaper. These are the concessions that we must make as parents. I was however, still burdened by the weight of my decision as I imagined that
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I’m a 90’s kid who was born in the 80’s and raised on 70’s music by 60’s kids who were born in the 50’s. Baby boomer, gen x, millenial… these words don’t mean much to me. It’s just different parts of the same story, or better yet, different parts of the same song. It’s the soundtrack of my life and
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Forget everything you think you know about human behaviour. For an honest assessment, watch a group of kids at play. This weekend we celebrated our middle son’s eighth birthday by taking him, his brothers and some of his friends ice skating. This was a great and obvious plan for a winter birthday, save for one exception. None of the kids
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About the old parent teacher conference… It’s not that I dont think it matters. Quite the contrary, in fact. I believe that a transparent relationship between an educator and the parent is crucial to ensuring the academic success of the child. But here’s the thing; they are boring, awkward and uncomfortable. Also, when and why did they change math? My
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My family is like the Green Bay Packers; we get the job done but it’s often ugly. Tonight was no exception. It was the divisional round game against the Seahawks who are led by the ever remarkable, Russell Wilson. We got off to a comfortable lead in the first half which only set the stage for a game script wherein
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This kid of mine… A capacity for love is perhaps the most underrated strength that we value. This kid of mine, my youngest, is a true hero of love. It’s a thing that I suppose comes with being the “baby” of a family. There is no one to compete with in his small world, only those to idolize. His spirit,
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I’ve made so many excuses for the Tooth Fairy that my kids must think that she is the most incompetent loser in the magical kingdom. Santa Claus doesn’t just miss work. The Easter bunny doesn’t come bearing excuses. Jackolanterns shine on Halloween and the Boogeyman lies eternally in wait but that Tooth Fairy… well she really needs to get her
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I was deeply entrenched into the heart of negotiations with my four year old regarding the equitable split of chocolate, orange slices. It was too late in the evening, you see for him to be eating chocolate but I am a grown man, a free man who will eat chocolate orange slices whenever I please. Nevertheless, I was put into
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Twas the night before Christmas, when all through my pad; I was trying my best to be the best Christmas dad. The morning, at best was a half dressed disaster, a flurry of last minute things to chase after. The children were giddy and anxious and rotten while plans were unplanned and some gifts were unboughten. Yet somehow we battled,
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The peace between beats. Earlier this week my wife and I had our annual Christmas fight. It’s tradition, as it is for many families I’m sure to bring all of the ancillary stress of the pursuit of the perfect Noel, to an absolute boiling point. Pick the presents, buy the presents, pray that the presents arrive before Christmas and then
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“Now,” Gloria said. “I’m happy.” I was utterly horrified. Even though Ned was nothing more than the ticking time bomb in my head; the very thing which had threatened my own life for all of these days… I simply couldn’t compute how she could murder him so casually. My stomach lurched, triggering an involuntary, chain reaction throughout the entirety of
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Occasionally, from the mouth of a child will escape words that convey ideas that are truly profound and devastatingly beautiful. Usually it’s fart noises or poop jokes but occasionally it’s this other stuff. Earlier today, my youngest son had one such instance. He was hanging with my parents as he does while his mom and I are at work and
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“Give me the codes.” There was fear in Ned’s beety, digital eyes as he looked from the toaster and then back towards Gloria. Gloria, for her part was unwavering in her confidence. She had this kind of half smile, half snarl. “Even if I gave you the codes,” Ned said. “They wouldn’t do you any good. The only way to
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“Bag him and tag him.” She said. “We got what we need.” Something cracked me over the head and my world went dark. I was dreaming about the north pole, only there was no Elf Headquarters but my family was there. I could see each of them, Mom and Dad and Jake and Haley… they were lost to each other.
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“If you move,” she said. “you die.” I froze there in my tracks, as still as the inanimate object that until moments before I mistook my angel for. My thoughts were racing as I tried desperately to make sense of the situation. My curiomancy didn’t work on her yet here she was, clearly alive. Some part of my heart, the
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And that’s when I first laid eyes on Gloria. She was truly an angel. She had ivory skin with rosy cheeks and bright blue eyes that shined like the frozen, northern expanse underneath a full moon. I was utterly transfixed, I was stupidly befuddled by this beauty which was nothing more than a simple Christmas ornanment… Such, I suppose, is
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But I didn’t feel good, I didn’t feel good about any of this. On the bright side, my good work had earned me a promotion and I was now granted, on base travel privileges. Basically that meant that I could wander down to the elf headquarters watering hole. It was a dingy little place called the Twirly Squirley. After report,
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“It’s too bad that there’s no such thing as Christmas miracles,” I thought. “Because that’s the only way these two are going to stay off of the naughty list.” My mission was easy. I watched the kids throughout the day and I made two lists which I brought back to elf headquarters every night; one nice and one naughty. I’ll
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“Well recruit,” Ned said. “It means there is no such thing as Christmas miracles.” It bothered me, what he said but I couldn’t tell you why. I didnt really even know what Christmas was beyond an excuse to ransom children for good behavior with the promise of presents. The way he said it, the way he laughed at it… something
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“I…” the toy said. “am Optimus Prime!” The look on his face was unfiltered, righteous indignation. His passion was so sincere that I wasn’t entirely convinced that I wasn’t the villain. As much as I wanted to discuss this with him however, he had a vice grip on my airway which limited my communication skills to a muted gurgling. I
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“Failure to comply,” Ned said. “Means that I will self destruct and explode in your head.” What I wanted to do was to scream and to run away from this madness as fast as my feet could carry me. What I actually did was to just sit there with a stupid expression on my face, wholly unqualified to respond. “Recruit?”
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“Hello, new recruits.” He said. “Welcome to Shelf School.” I stood there with the others; hundreds of them who all looked exactly like me and I wondered, “Why the hell don’t these guys look more confused?” Everyone was standing crisply to attention, well everyone but me… “My name is Thaddeus McGladeus.” The elf in black said, his voice booming over
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Yesterday, when my wife picked up our middle son from school, she got “the look” from his teacher. You know “the look.” It’s a bandaid of a smile which does little to hide the emotional battle wounds that the person charged with the care of your little darling has been forced to endure. It’s comfortable like tight, wet denim and
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As I awoke to winter’s first kiss, our gentle landscape, freshly blanketed in the season’s first snowfall; I found myself thinking, “screw this.” I was alone in my room, mourning the windshields that needed scraping and the sidewalks that needed shoveling. I stood there in my bedroom with my nose pressed firmly against the icy glass, a single, sorrowful tear
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Serra loved to run. She was a rescue dog. We adopted her from the Lander Pet connection about eight years ago after she was found trapped inside of someone’s garage. As it is with pets, we just sort of knew that she belonged in our family. As it is sometimes with family, she was often a royal pain in our
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Usually, I would be writing a top 10 list right about now but tonight is different. It’s different because tomorrow is my wife’s birthday. Funny story; she found out today that she could both edit her birth year on facebook and make it private. She did both, knowing full well that the first step was essentially inconsequential, other than to
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The other day at the restaurant, I had these two customers come in. They were both grown men who I would guess were in their 40’s. They each had a certain roughness to their demeanor, a callousness. It was immediately clear that these guys didn’t waste time on social luxuries like smiling or manners. They smirked but only while loudly
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I still remember when my oldest son became old enough to play by himself in another room. Forget crawling, eating solid foods or saying their first word; this is the kind of milestone that a parent can really get excited about. Or maybe it’s more of a dad thing…. Either way, I can still recall how amazing it felt to
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The other day, I accidentally made direct eye contact with the guy in front of me at self checkout in the grocery store. I was just kind of zoning out while my kids ran a chaotic 30 foot perimeter of destruction around me. As it turns out my zoning out face was perfectly pointed at this random guy in front
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Mostly, kids are dumb. It’s not their fault, they haven’t had the opportunity to learn as much as we have. One distinct advantage to that however is that they haven’t had the opportunity to be ruined by this cold, cruel world of ours. So call it wisdom or call it good timing but there are lessons to be learned from
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Life is that moment of peace on a Monday morning before the kids are up. It’s the burbling coffee pot, audibly intimate and aromatically arousing. Life is also that moment directly after the kids have risen from their slumber only to sabotage your tranquility with cantankerous gripes and spilled orange juice. It’s Cap’n Crunch crunch berries crunched under bare feet
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Upon the journey of fatherhood there are moments of greatness, wonder and beauty. It is a transformative process wherein the boy becomes the man. It is caterpillar to the butterfly and Bruce Banner to the incredible Hulk. It is majestic and marvelous and weird. Here, in no particular order is my top 10 list of the most bewildering side effects
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I feel a calling. It is not a conscious decision, based upon deductive reasoning. It is not an experiment that I wish to conduct in order to tinker with the inner workings of my family. It is simply a truth that I know I must follow. I feel God in my life and I seek redemption. Today, for the first
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“Don’t you look at me with that face.” I hear myself say. It’s as if I’m having an out of body experience, watching myself scold my children. I say things like, “You get what you get and you dont throw a fit.” Or, “because I said so, that’s why.” As I leave the room, I’m sure they are flipping me
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Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider, Batman’s insanely rich parents were murdered in front of him and I knocked up my girlfriend when I was 24. Every superhero has a tragic backstory; this is mine. It was the summer of 2008. I drank a lot of beer but I also drank a lot of whiskey. Looking back, I
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There is greatness in this life and I see it every day. I see it the eyes of the the first time mother, still trying to capture the full scope of the love in her heart. I see it in the dirt underneath the father’s fingernails, having toiled away to provide for his family. I see it in the wrinkles
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Sure, fatherhood is about love and tenderness and all that other crap; but it’s also about introducing the most dangerously, fun things to them at an inappropriately young age. In theory, we are teaching them to handle new skills in a safe and responsible way. In truth, we are just waiting from the moment they are born for the day
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Tricks on wheels. The only thrill greater than executing a sweet move on a bike, skateboard or scooter is doing it in front of an adult. “Mom! Dad! Grandma! Grandpa! Watch this!” I remember that feeling well, slaving away for hours in the street until I could finally land my first kick flip. I can’t overstate the revelry I experienced
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If a child falls in the forest and no one is there to feel sorry for them; do they feel any pain? Three boys have taught me that the answer to this question is usually no. This is parenting 101; compliment the kid on their tumble and they will brush it off, give them the panicked boo boo eyes and
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My kid has a toy phone. It has a rotary dial and a chord and wheels and a little face. I had this toy when I was a kid and I bet you did too. This toy to me, symbolizes the end of an era. My kid doesn’t believe me when I tell him that his toy is a phone.
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I won’t admit defeat but I can’t claim success, at least not in the way that I envisioned. My goal, simply put was to pump my kids up for the new school year. As I settled into the challenge however, it occurred to me that what I truly need to do is inspire my kids to connect the dots between
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I was riding in the backseat of my dad’s blazer, it was the winter of 1987 and I pooped my pants. He was giving me a ride to daycare which was great because I was only three years old and didn’t have my driver’s license yet. I remember watching the early morning sun light dancing on frozen, roadside snow drifts.
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There is a darkness looming, a snake in the grass. It lays patiently waiting while we wander aimlessly through summer, knowing that it will have us in it’s icy grip before long. This thing, of course, is the school year routine. It’s time to get up early, abide by a schedule and have a bed time. It’s a total bummer.
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Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s a shallow inlet of muddy water. It’s teeming with life and chaos and beauty and hunger. It’s the thing that soaks through our boots and tugs at our ankles with a force that ripples past the shore and down the creek into roaring white water rapids and the mighty ocean beyond. It’s
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Somewhere in Walmart, 1:47 p.m. I write this from a dark corner between the every day low prices on sporting goods and the every day low prices on home furnishings. According to the time display on my mobile device I have only been here for just under 30 minutes but already I have lost all concept of time. In the
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This is the final weekend of summer and so we find ourselves once more upon the edge of the changing of the seasons. Change is good, for life is little more than our ability to adapt to our ever evolving situation but it can also be cumbersome. With change comes new challenges and obstacles and hardships. Change is a battle
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