Outnumbered and Outranked
I have the honor to report to you, for your consideration and that of the broader community of captains, the following report:
This Saturday past, while on routine transport duty, I had occasion to chaperone the youngest Duchess of my entourage to a birthday party held at the local YMCA. State of the art and equipped with the latest marvels of play equipment engineering, the facility boasted a stately and spacious party room that was employed for the occasion. Upon the completion of cake and singing rituals, the 12 or so guests (all 5 and under) retired to a bounce house reserved and fashioned for the occasion.
While engaged in conversation with the other Captain chaperones, I had reason to believe a threat to the merry making was present and endeavored to investigate. Upon review, my mind began to simultaneously calculate the sugar absorption rate of highly exercised 5-year-old metabolisms and triangulate this calculation with the reality that only five merry makers at a time were being permitted to jump. All this combined with the impending mutiny that such a situation would naturally arise in the seven or so sugared up spectators who were forced to wait indefinitely while watching their erstwhile comrades bounce with gleeful abandon provoked me into action.
Like being confronted with the burning fuse of an incendiary device upon the dry and weathered deck of three tons of wood and gun powder, my mind and body reacted quite without either forethought or direction from the Admiral in charge of party operations.
A point in my favor was a slide component to the bounce house designed to enliven the exiting experience. Putting all dignity aside, I began the delicate operation of manipulating the young by inviting the springing sprites to slap-my-hand as a sort of drive-by high-five along the slide of their departure.
While somewhat successful, it was only when I provoked the devilish imps into striking my hand with some force; both with their hands and later their feet while feigning great pain and anguish; was I able to fully engage the entire party in the operation of entering and exiting the bounce house at a near maximum revolution rate.
After near three quarters hour under constant assault from those mighty midgets, I was finally relieved from my makeshift command by a call to presents. A call, I am somewhat ashamed to report, I may have helped incite. Nonetheless, the party was a success thanks perhaps in some small part to my ill-advised and reckless efforts.
In your esteemed review, it may be found a court marshaling offence to commandeer a party where one is a mere guest. However, I stand by my actions to the extent that my duty is to engage the enemy where and when the enemy presents itself. I submit, and beseech this review board to decree: I did my duty to the best of my experience and ability and remain,
your most humble of servants,
Captain A.D.P. of the Fighting Ship Phifer