Zombie Mom

Fart jokes and fist fights. That’s how I describe our life with three young sons. Any 30 minute sample of our day will include some gleeful screaming, some angry screaming, some tearful screaming and at least one reference to butts or poop. it’s an endlessly inappropriate and uncivilized time loop.  

I love it, but I am forever a stinky little boy at heart. The real hero of this story is my wife who is a woman of elegance and class. She is a lady in every sense of the word, who we are slowly corrupting with our savage ways. The latest example of this corruption is my children’s favorite new bed time tradition. Zombie Mom.

The origins of zombie mom are murky but like any good dystopian tale of the living dead, there is no end in sight. It works like this; right before our sons are about to relax and tuck in for their nightly slumber, my wife pretends that she is a zombie and chases them around the house for about 20 minutes. Arms outstretched, with her hands dangling from limp wrists, she terrorizes them from room to room, threatening to devour their brains and delivering tickles. It’s a terrible idea as it causes their adrenaline to surge to the same levels that they would if they were actually fleeing for their lives from real zombies but some things are more important than simply adhering to a schedule.

The three year starts asking for zombie mom before dinner. The older two have a better concept of time but they can’t contain their excitement for long and invariably the subject is raised well in advance of their showers. My wife’s portrayal of a supernaturally animated corpse who is hungry to feast upon the flesh of human boys is a touching display of love and affection. It’s like when tattooed biker dads learn how to French braid their daughter’s hair, except the opposite.

The other night, while I sat calmly and watched zombie mom pursue my kids, my youngest asked if I could be zombie dad. I’ll tell you, the temptation was real but I opted out. Zombie mom belongs to my wife. In a world of seemingly mindless savages who terrorize her world and threaten her way of life, she’s found her way. Long live zombie mom.