Top 10 worst things about fatherhood

I love being a dad. It’s my single greatest mission in life, my passion and my purpose. There are however, downsides to the job. Here is my list, in no particular order, of what I believe to be the top 10 worst things about fatherhood.

#10. Bodily Fluids: I have conducted an informal poll with fellow dads in my years of fatherhood and concluded that poo, pee and puke are overwhelmingly more likely to be directed at dads than moms. For me, this is certainly the case. On those rare occasions when one of the kids would make a mess on their mother, it was an adorable little spit up. An instagramable moment to make the masses say, “aww, how sweet.” When it was my turn it was an R rated, exorcist worthy expulsion of foulness that would offend even the most seasoned horror enthusiast. I am forever unclean.

#9. Sneaking treats: My kids will conveniently not hear me shouting at the top of my lungs from the next room that they need to clean up their mess and brush their teeth. If however, I sneak as quietly as a ninja assassin into the kitchen, while they are downstairs with buckets on their heads marching in circles and screaming incoherently; and I try to sneak a fun sized KitKat… there will be a stampede up the stairs followed by them asking me what I’m eating. Inevitably I will turn my back on them, swallow the KitKat without tasting it and then lie to them before walking backwards out of the room.

#8. The dad bod. First, note thing #9. Ah the dad bod. It really has a way of sneaking up on dads. For me, I just happened to glance in a mirror one day while I was standing shirtless next to my toddler in front of a mirror when I realized we were were proportionally the same body shape in profile only I was more hairy. Note to self, taking up jogging is still on my to do list.

#7. “Me time” is a thing of the past: Look, I do what I want, when I want. So long as it is between 5 and 7 in the morning or 10 p.m to midnight, and it’s relatively quiet. I still have friends who call me up and invite me out for drinks last minute on a friday night. I just laugh and laugh… then I hide in my garage and eat bite sized KitKats.

#6. Sleep, or the lack thereof. See thing #7. If your dad game is at it’s peak, you are basically filling up the day engaging with your kids after a hard day of work. But you still need to squeeze some time in for whatever it is that keeps you sane. Sleep is important I’m told. That might be true but I can’t exactly watch True Detective with my kids awake so suck on that science.

#5. The worry: Some years ago I got my kids into Taekwondo. “This is cool” I thought as the instructor eased them into the basics. Then he had them do a series of exercises that included running to a mat and doing a sommersault. My kid ran to the mat and had literally no idea how to do a sommersault. I sat and watched in horror as kid after kid just gracefully sommersaulted by as my kid did this kind of fall down/side roll thing. I laid awake that night fearing that my inattentiveness to the basics of sommersaulting would someday lead to my child’s demise in combat. This is just one example of the dumb things we worry about as dads.

#4. The bubble: The bubble is the focused isolation that you enter when you take on the challenge of fatherhood. One day, you are a hip, socially relevant young man who had his first child and is preparing to become the coolest dad in the history of dads. Next thing you know, you’re just a white socks with brown sandals wearing, tiny KitKat eating, dad bod having, puke covered, sleep deprived dork who doesn’t understand why dubstep isn’t a thing anymore.

#3. Watching cartoons: I remember when I was a kid, my dad couldn’t stand cartoons and I never understood why. 600 episodes of Pepa Pig later and I could care less how compelling the story is with the latest Pixar animation. My kid spoke with a british accent for six months. I hate cartoons.

#2. Having to be the jerk: I don’t like being the bad guy but dads are better at it than moms; we’re bigger and we have deep, scary voices that really get their attention. The truth is, I usually dont mind if they skip a shower or want to stay up late to finish the lego project but I know my job is to prepare them to be funtional adults one day. It’s a total bummer.

#1. The burden of awesomeness: There is no greater honor in this life than to be viewed by those who you love as the person who can fix anything. That being said, sometimes their requests are insane. A couple of days ago my kids found a butterfly in the garage who had become tangled in some cobwebs and broken it’s wing. My wife told my kids that I would take care of it when I got home. I arrived 10 minutes later with an arm full of groceries to the hopeful eyes of my children who expected that I could somehow perform medical miracles on bugs. I took the poor creature outside and and cleaned it up as much as I could before setting it on tbe ground only to realize that he couldn’t possibly fly with one working wing. My kids were noticeably dissapointed when a gust of wind kicked up and the warrior butterly was able to half fly over the neighbor’s car and out of sight, keeping my record of awesomeness in tact, for now.

Thanks for reading and… did I miss anything? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comment section!