School supplies, Walmart and the infinite sadness.

Somewhere in Walmart, 1:47 p.m. I write this from a dark corner between the every day low prices on sporting goods and the every day low prices on home furnishings. According to the time display on my mobile device I have only been here for just under 30 minutes but already I have lost all concept of time. In the distance I can hear the mournful cry of a small child, it may be mine. I left the safety of the group in search of every day low prices on something. Now I am lost and alone.

Somewhere in Walmart 1:56 p.m.I have found refuge within a small herd of people wearing Spongebob pajamas. I complimented the Tazmaniandevil tattoo on one of their necks and they seem to have accepted me as their own. My plan is to blend in long enough to traverse the clothing section and then make a run for it.

Somewhere in Walmart 2:03 p.m. I followed the unmistakable shrieks of my youngest child in the cereal aisle. He appears to have either come down with a parasitic brain infection or simply gone feral in his time here as he is attempting to square off in hand to hand combat with his mother over a box of icecream flavored cereal. I myself, seem to be fading in and out of delirium and so I must now take the boys on a quest to forage for food.

Somewhere in Walmart 2:16 p.m. Finally, with some sustenance in our bellies, we can feel our wits about us once more. My wife insists that we are nearly done. I think perhaps that I may have the courage to believe in a future somewhere beyond this dreadful wasteland.

Somewhere in Walmart 2:23 p.m. Expo markers have become the bane of my existence. There is literally every other kind of marker ever developed in the “back to school” section yet no expo. Should I survive this harrowing experience I will make make it my mission in life to see that no child goes without expo markers ever again. If I die here, please bury me under a dry erase tombstone and hope that someone is able to inscribe my farewell.

Somewhere in Walmart 2:34 p.m. We were victorious in our search for the expo markers, thus completing our gathering of Walmart supplies. The end, we felt, was finally in sight. We set off to conclude our journey with our heads held high and our hearts soaring with excitement. Our jubilation was cut short however, when we reached the checkout lanes and discovered that the entire population of Fremont county was trying to purchase goods at the same time.

Somewhere in Walmart 2:47 p.m. Our groceries are finally being checked and apparently the checker feels that this is an appropriate time to strike up a casual conversation. Are you insane sir! We’ve just barely survived this long and now you want to delay us further to chat about the weather? Scan damn you! Scan like your life depends on it!

Somewhere in Walmart 2:59 p.m. Obviously my family and are are part of an organized crime syndicate, why else would the greeter who guards the front door pour over every detail of our receipt. It’s cool guy, watching you slowly read everything we just bought is the perfect end to a perfect day at Walmart.

Somewhere just outside of Walmart 3:03 p.m. It feels like a dream, we’ve finally escaped. It was pretty hairy there for a moment but as they say, “That which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” Thanks for all the spirit crushing memories Walmart, see you again in two weeks.