Top 10 Bewildering side effects of fatherhood

Upon the journey of fatherhood there are moments of greatness, wonder and beauty. It is a transformative process wherein the boy becomes the man. It is caterpillar to the butterfly and Bruce Banner to the incredible Hulk. It is majestic and marvelous and weird. Here, in no particular order is my top 10 list of the most bewildering side effects of becoming a father.

10. A keen appreciation of a well manicured lawn. I know that before fatherhood I could tell the difference between a freshly mowed lawn and an unkempt lawn; I just didn’t care. As a father, a man’s lawn is possibly the most important metric by which I judge their character. 7:00 a.m. should sound like a small engine’s rumble and smell like moist lawn clippings. Remember kids, stay calm and stay off my my lawn.

9. Super Saiyan Sneezes. It makes no logical sense but something about becoming a father enhances one’s sneezing capacity. When a dad sneezes, you know it. Respect the sneeze and say bless you.

8. A remarkable coffee cup collection. One day I just kind of woke up and realized that I own more coffee cups than is reasonable for a person to have. Half of then are shaped like toilets or infinity gauntlets and are consequently non functional. Still, my shelf bears the weight of these breakfast beverage receptacles with pride. What I lack in literally any other area of my life, I make up for in gimmicky coffee cups.

7. You become a League joiner. Be it bowling, pool or competitive yodeling… No fatherhood journey is complete without joining some kind of league. Of course, it’s always a means to an end and that end is getting out of the house for three hours on a Tuesday night. Joining a league is a great rite of passage for the modern dad. Also, there’s beer.

6. The great hair migration. The hair on my head is slowly moving south to my nose, neck and back. My more adventurous hairs have relocated to my ears and nipples. Dad’s don’t lose their hair, their hair goes on wild adventures to parts unknown. Dad hair is warrior hair that is destined to conquer mysterious territory.

5. Boat envy. I can’t fish, I don’t care for water and I can barely swim; yet I still want a boat. More than anything, I think I want to be able to park a boat in my driveway and then talk to other dads about my boat while grilling burgers. My imaginary boat will have a sweet name like the S.S. McDrunkindaddy or The Plaid Pearl.

4. You become immediately uncool. Don’t resist, it only makes things worse. The moment you become a father, the kids are all listening to music that you will find annoying and you won’t get any of the jokes. Take solace in the fact that you rocked way harder in your day than these wankers. Post Malone… more like Post Ma-get a job you face-tattooed idiot.

3. The Weather Channel. I used to follow cultural trends, new music and political activism. These days I just want to know about those low pressure systems and precipitation chances. The Farmer’s almanac baby! Winter is coming and I’ve got some windows to storm proof.

2. Always @ the Hardware Store. Ace is the place. I spend more time at the hardware store than any other singular location. Have you ever noticed who works at the Hardware store? It’s just old dads who didn’t get tired of coming in but did get tired of leaving. Someday, I will have no other option but to just work in the place that I will be an expert in.

  1. Everyone else is a dumbass. It’s possible that everyone else was a dumbass before I became a father, but I doubt it. There’s just something about having kids that makes you truly appreciate the abundant dumbassery around you. Not saying that I’m not a dumbass… but I know now that virtually everyone else around me is for sure. Sometimes, being a dad means dealing with the fact that you are the last man on earth with half a brain.