Top ten dumb things that my kids have done.

I still remember when my oldest son became old enough to play by himself in another room. Forget crawling, eating solid foods or saying their first word; this is the kind of milestone that a parent can really get excited about. Or maybe it’s more of a dad thing….

Either way, I can still recall how amazing it felt to not feel like I had to keep my eyeballs on him at all times. So there I was, enjoying a football game while my only child at the time was entertaining himself in the other room with his awesome new dump truck toy. It was bright yellow, metal and and nearly as big as he was.

“Man this is great!” I thought to myself as I stuffed my face with cheese puffs and watched the Packers play. This was early in my Dad career, before I learned what it meant when your kid was being “too quiet.”

I got up to stretch my legs and check on the boy only to find that he knew exactly what a dump truck was supposed to do. In the absence of my direct, parental supervision he had removed all of the dirt from every potted plant in the house (we had a lot) and dumped it evenly across the entirety of the carpet. For good measure, or possibly to test the off road capabilities of his new dump truck, he drove over the dirt several times thus binding dirt to carpet like an absolute pro.

What I learned was this; kids do dumb stuff. At the end of the day, we can only hope to get a good story out of the deal. So here, in no particular order, is my top 10 list of dumb things that my kids have done.

10. Nose Lego. Why there exists such a compulsion for kids to stick things up their nose, we may never know. My kid once jammed a lego so far up his snout that a trip to the ear, nose and throat doctor was unavoidable. We were lucky to avoid the E.R. as the doctor told us that she would try just one more time to dislodge the plastic impediment. I had to bear hug him from behind while my wife stabilized his face in a vice grip and the doctor went to work with a pair of schnoz tongs. Lots of screaming and blood later and we were home free.

9. No wipe, no flush, no bueno. We’ve all been here, right? It’s a single, paperless turd left floating in the toilette. Meanwhile, the wipeless wonder is bouncing around on the furniture and making the already dirty job of laundry an unnecessary crappy duty.

8. Do not eat. My kids have eaten glowsticks, silicon packets, dirt and bugs of all kinds. If you dont have poison control on speed dial, are you even a parent at all?

7. Window head smash. My kid once became enraged because his big brother pushed the button on the microwave instead of him to pop popcorn during family movie night. He let loose his best macho man battle cry and then ran full speed at a set of French doors with his head. He was fortunately ok but it was a quick 400 dollar window replacement nonetheless.

6. Dancing with the stairs. One of my kids had a remarkable propensity for falling down the stairs. I mean that it must have happened a dozen times in his second year and remarkably, every single time I was in a unique position to just barely save his life. No broken bones, just a decade or so shaved off of my lifespan.

5. The fire alarm. Fire alarms are bright red and shiny for a reason; to entice my 2 year old into a little game called, “let’s see what this does…” There were screams, there were tears, there were fire trucks. Sometimes I think that life is nothing more than one long game of “never push the red button.”

4. Puke Party. It’s hard to blame a kid for puking, unless of course it’s all of your kids laughing gleefully while puking because of being grossed out by one of their siblings puke. Puke, laugh repeat. In my house this is called November. For the love of God, kids… get to the toilette!

3. Sleep Laugher. One of my kids was prone to sleep walking when he was three years old. That’s creepy enough but the very definition of terrifying is waking up to your toddler laughing hysterically while still asleep at the foot of your bed at 3 a.m.

2. Mall runaway. Nothing screams parent of the year like frantically questioning the 17 year old employee at Ross Dress for Less about the whereabouts of your toddler. He saw the forest themed play area and his desire was all consuming. I swear to god it takes less than a second for a kid on a mission to escape a parent’s view. Thank god for his bright green dinosaur hoodie and the little old lady who pointed us in the right direction.

  1. Dietary stubbornness. Each of my kids has gone at least a year of their life eating nothing but either meat, noodles or goldfish crackers. Apparently the food pyramid is a total myth because I have watched my kids sustain themselves on a single square for longer than should be humanly possible.