Top 10 ways to not raise a chuckledick

The other day at the restaurant, I had these two customers come in. They were both grown men who I would guess were in their 40’s. They each had a certain roughness to their demeanor, a callousness. It was immediately clear that these guys didn’t waste time on social luxuries like smiling or manners. They smirked but only while loudly conversing about culturally insensitive subjects like disparaging the mentally disabled or objectifying women. They grunted in one word responses and bitched about their food. These guys were a couple of chuckledicks.

The modern appraisal of their behavior would likely be “toxic masulinity” but I take issue with that terminology as it suggests that there is a correlation between masculinity in general and this kind of dick bag behavior. Their chuckledickery had almost nothing to do with masculinity and everything to do with whatever happened in their childhood that made them decide to stop developing socially, emotionally and mentally. I’ll admit that this is a problem among my gender but words like “toxic masulinity” only add fuel to the fire by criticizing from a position of aloof, moral authority. It’s time to get down on their level and call these guys out for what they are; chuckledicks. Furthermore, us fathers need to have more conversations about how to not raise our sons to become chuckledicks. I’ll lead off; here, in no particular order, is my top 10 list of ways to not raise a chuckledick.

10. Shower your boys with love. It doesn’t come easy, I’ll admit that. My first instinct is not to hug my sons but to flip them upside down and fake body slam them on the couch. This is also awesome but I have to remind myself to not always reside in this place of rambunctious affection. A hug goes a long way towards demonstrating to our sons that we men can be bravely vulnerable and boldly sensitive. Always keep a good body slam in your back pocket though.

9. Spank their little behinds! Discipline sucks but we unfortunately dont just come out with all the answers. Leave a kid to his own devices and you are bound to end up with a little monster. Give it 18 years and you will have a man sized monster. For society’s sake, spank the chuckledickery out of your kids while you still can.

8. Build them up and provide opportunities to build themselves up. It seems like self esteem is a hot button issue of modern child rearing. Unfortunately, participation trophies dont actually make anyone feel good about themselves. I believe that a bully is a bully because they can only figure out how to make others feel worse than they do. Let’s praise our kids where praise is deserved but more importantly, let’s seek out the opportunities for them to prove their worth to themselves.

7. Educate and encourage self education. With google, there is no excuse to not find the answers to the questions. This is helpful when our kids ask us some of life’s most pressing questions like, “what is the biggest spider in the world?” Or “Why does poop smell bad?” Ignorance is no longer an acceptable excuse. Let’s encourage our boys to find any answer they need.

6. Teach them to fight! I’m not talking about how to throw a punch or pin an opponent, although this is something that we should all know how to do. What I mean is that we need to teach our boys to stand up against that which they know to be wrong. Most chuckledicks are just sheep trying to not look uncool in the group. Let’s teach our boys to fight for what they believe in rather than cowering to social pressure.

5. Reward them for behavior that really matters. Positive reinforcement works. Let’s work this angle hard when we see our boys doing something like being kind, or respectful or selfless. We tend to brag about our kids for things like good grades or winning a game. Let’s apply this same kind of overt praise when we catch them holding a door for an old lady or sharing their toys on the playground.

4. Expose them to a diverse array of people. It’s a big world out there and someday our kids are going to have to live in it. People come in all shapes, sizes and backgrounds. I find that one defining characteristic of a chuckledick is that they abuse those who they perceive to be different from themselves. We are all just people, let’s teach our boys this fact.

3. Dance in the kitchen. Everything is storytelling, even dance. But dancing will only tell a joyous tale. Let’s dance with our sons, with no fear of how we look because it is fun and it’s good for the soul. Chuckledicks are usually too chickenshit to dance.

2. Cook in the kitchen. To artfully prepare a meal for our loved ones is the ultimate display of affection. Let’s teach our boys how to work the blade and flame. It teaches patience, restraint and compassion.

  1. Dont be a chuckledick. The best way to teach our boys is by example. Let’s evaluate our own behaviour because there is always room for improvement. More importantly, let’s teach our boys through example that self improvement is a life long endeavor. It’s never too late to not be a chuckledick.