Shelf Life: episode 4 “Christmas Miracles”

“I…” the toy said. “am Optimus Prime!”

The look on his face was unfiltered, righteous indignation. His passion was so sincere that I wasn’t entirely convinced that I wasn’t the villain. As much as I wanted to discuss this with him however, he had a vice grip on my airway which limited my communication skills to a muted gurgling. I felt like I was beginning to float when I heard Ned’s voice.

“I am detecting an adrenaline spike, recruit,” he said. “Are you ok?”

“Guggllerffggg…” I replied.

“I see,” Ned said, and then he was standing beside me, except that it was an extra large, semi translucent version of him.

“Oh!” He said, nonchalantly as my world slowly faded to black. “This is an easy fix, let’s go over your protocols.”

Something in my line of sight flashed bright red three times and then Optimus Prime’s grip upon my throat released its hold.

I laid there on the ground for a several moments, gasping for air and feeling the life drain back into my body.

“There you go ” said Ned. “Now you should be back to your old self. Let’s review what just happened, shall we?”

My vision fluctuated slightly and suddenly there was a digital text display floating between myself and the sky overhead. At the top of the list in bright red was the word curiomancer.

“This,” Ned said, “is one of your elf powers. In layman’s terms, you can make toys come to life. Of course, one must be cautious as all toys have memories and some memories tend to spur more volatile reactions.”

As I read the list of my abilities it was as if the reflexive memories of them became accessible. I reached out with my mind and made Optimus Prime come back to life.

“I…” Opltimus said, with great dramatic effect, “am Optimus Prime!”

He stood up and made what looked like was going to be a pretty sweet attack move before I shut him back off and caused him to fall lifelessly, once more to the floor.

“Ned,” I said. Show me what else I am capable of.

A list suddenly appeared before my eyes.

“1. Curionancy. 2. Teleportation. 3. Miricale making.

I had just learned what the curiomancy was all about and was aware of how much I hated the teleportation.

“What,” I asked, “is this bit about the Christmas Miracles?”

Ned just laughed.

“That,” he said, “is a bit of an inside joke.:

“What the hell does that mean?” I asked, not especially caring for Ned’s tone.

“Well recruit,” Ned said. “It means that there is no such thing as Christmas miracles…”