Shelf Life: episode 11 “fallen angel”

“Give me the codes.”

There was fear in Ned’s beety, digital eyes as he looked from the toaster and then back towards Gloria. Gloria, for her part was unwavering in her confidence. She had this kind of half smile, half snarl.

“Even if I gave you the codes,” Ned said. “They wouldn’t do you any good. The only way to access the system is from Elf headquarters, central command and you and me both know that there is no way in hell that you are ever getting in there alive.”

Gloria’s snarling smile curled slightly upward, looking ever more devious. She looked hungry.

“You let me worry about me, little man.” She said, eyeing the toaster. “You’ve got your own problems right now.”

My heart was racing in my chest, I knew that I had to do something; but what?

Suddenly, there came a noise from the hallway; footsteps and they were growing louder. The bathroom door swung open and crashed against the wall. A towering figure stumbled in and everyone froze, it was Dad.

He stumbled right up towards the tub, apparently unphased by the scene around him. He turned slowly… then he dropped his pajama bottoms and started peeing into the toilette. No one moved, including Dad who just sort of awkwardly groaned. After a very tense 60 seconds, Dad flushed and then stumbled out of the room.

“I will give you to the count of three.” Gloria said. “One… two…” she put her hand on the toaster and began to nudge. I maneuvered myself into a crouched position, thinking that if I could throw my body at the toaster that I could knock it over the other side of the tub and buy myself and Ned enough time to improvise an escape.

She began to say three, the toaster was on the brink of being pushed into the water and I was preparing my daring rescue operation when Ned suddenly screamed out.

“OK!” he said. “I’ll give you the codes!”

Gloria’s smile softened.

“You are a dead woman.” Ned said. “But I’ll give you the damn codes.”

Gloria pulled an S.D. card from under her dress and tossed it onto the plastic sail boat with Ned. He plugged it into his body, his eyes turning bright green for a moment before he unplugged it and tossed it back to Gloria.

“There.” He said. “Are you happy now?”

“Almost.” She said. Then she pushed the toaster into the tub. There was a flash of light and Ned started spasming. His eyes glowed white then red and then they went dark. A tiny whisp of smoke rose up from his tiny robot body and I knew that poor Ned was dead.

“Now,” Gloria said. “I’m happy.”