Shelf Life: episode 8 "rejection"

And that’s when I first laid eyes on Gloria. She was truly an angel. She had ivory skin with rosy cheeks and bright blue eyes that shined like the frozen, northern expanse underneath a full moon. I was utterly transfixed, I was stupidly befuddled by this beauty which was nothing more than a simple Christmas ornanment… Such, I suppose, is

Read more

Shelf Life: episode 7 "angel"

But I didn’t feel good, I didn’t feel good about any of this. On the bright side, my good work had earned me a promotion and I was now granted, on base travel privileges. Basically that meant that I could wander down to the elf headquarters watering hole. It was a dingy little place called the Twirly Squirley. After report,

Read more

Shelf Life: episode 6 "night watch"

“It’s too bad that there’s no such thing as Christmas miracles,” I thought. “Because that’s the only way these two are going to stay off of the naughty list.” My mission was easy. I watched the kids throughout the day and I made two lists which I brought back to elf headquarters every night; one nice and one naughty. I’ll

Read more

Shelf Life: episode 5 "naughty list"

“Well recruit,” Ned said. “It means there is no such thing as Christmas miracles.” It bothered me, what he said but I couldn’t tell you why. I didnt really even know what Christmas was beyond an excuse to ransom children for good behavior with the promise of presents. The way he said it, the way he laughed at it… something

Read more

Shelf Life: episode 2. "Shelf School"

“Hello, new recruits.” He said. “Welcome to Shelf School.” I stood there with the others; hundreds of them who all looked exactly like me and I wondered, “Why the hell don’t these guys look more confused?” Everyone was standing crisply to attention, well everyone but me… “My name is Thaddeus McGladeus.” The elf in black said, his voice booming over

Read more

The look

Yesterday, when my wife picked up our middle son from school, she got “the look” from his teacher. You know “the look.” It’s a bandaid of a smile which does little to hide the emotional battle wounds that the person charged with the care of your little darling has been forced to endure. It’s comfortable like tight, wet denim and

Read more

The way back

As I awoke to winter’s first kiss, our gentle landscape, freshly blanketed in the season’s first snowfall; I found myself thinking, “screw this.” I was alone in my room, mourning the windshields that needed scraping and the sidewalks that needed shoveling. I stood there in my bedroom with my nose pressed firmly against the icy glass, a single, sorrowful tear

Read more

Happy Birthday to my wife.

Usually, I would be writing a top 10 list right about now but tonight is different. It’s different because tomorrow is my wife’s birthday. Funny story; she found out today that she could both edit her birth year on facebook and make it private. She did both, knowing full well that the first step was essentially inconsequential, other than to

Read more

Top 10 ways to not raise a chuckledick

The other day at the restaurant, I had these two customers come in. They were both grown men who I would guess were in their 40’s. They each had a certain roughness to their demeanor, a callousness. It was immediately clear that these guys didn’t waste time on social luxuries like smiling or manners. They smirked but only while loudly

Read more

The battle at Self checkout.

The other day, I accidentally made direct eye contact with the guy in front of me at self checkout in the grocery store. I was just kind of zoning out while my kids ran a chaotic 30 foot perimeter of destruction around me. As it turns out my zoning out face was perfectly pointed at this random guy in front

Read more

Pissin in the wind.

Life is that moment of peace on a Monday morning before the kids are up. It’s the burbling coffee pot, audibly intimate and aromatically arousing. Life is also that moment directly after the kids have risen from their slumber only to sabotage your tranquility with cantankerous gripes and spilled orange juice. It’s Cap’n Crunch crunch berries crunched under bare feet

Read more

The wind on the river

At the bottom of the Bighorn Basin, just North of the Windriver Canyon and near the wedding of the waters lies the town of Thermoplis, Wyoming. It’s one of the many hidden gems in a state where the beauty is rugged and must be earned. Here lives a dad who is a fly fishing guide by day, chef by night

Read more

My kids are my super power.

Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider, Batman’s insanely rich parents were murdered in front of him and I knocked up my girlfriend when I was 24. Every superhero has a tragic backstory; this is mine. It was the summer of 2008. I drank a lot of beer but I also drank a lot of whiskey. Looking back, I

Read more

Dad, watch this!

Tricks on wheels. The only thrill greater than executing a sweet move on a bike, skateboard or scooter is doing it in front of an adult. “Mom! Dad! Grandma! Grandpa! Watch this!” I remember that feeling well, slaving away for hours in the street until I could finally land my first kick flip. I can’t overstate the revelry I experienced

Read more

Time to buck up?

If a child falls in the forest and no one is there to feel sorry for them; do they feel any pain? Three boys have taught me that the answer to this question is usually no. This is parenting 101; compliment the kid on their tumble and they will brush it off, give them the panicked boo boo eyes and

Read more

Bittersweet birthday and bye bye to babies

The parenting bubble is so real, it’s scary. Life is all diapers and late night wellness checks and climbing the staircase of healthy child development. Then one day your babies aren’t babies. What is a parent to do in a post-baby existence? Of course the point of parenting is to raise functional adults. And raising young children is an arduous

Read more

A round peg kid in a square hole world.

Some kids are just born for this world, naturally gifted with the necessary attributes required to succeed in society. My oldest son is this way, he checks all the boxes. But then there are those who just aren’t designed to fit the mold. May I introduce my middle son. He’s naturally contrarian and stubborn as hell. I can tell him

Read more

What is your summer bucket list?

August is to summer what Sunday is to the weekend. You’re body is technically off work but your mind is already gearing up to hate life and endure the week ahead. If summer was rock and roll; June would be The Rolling Stones, July would be Guns and Roses and August would be Nickleback. If August was an Avenger, it

Read more

This is the meaning of life.

It starts with a smile, an introduction and a pair of googly eyes. Two hearts beating a little faster than usual and and a shared connection that transcends any interaction you’ve ever had which fills you up inside like a balloon that might just float away into the sunset. It’s real and it’s powerful and while it’s the only thing

Read more

Boulevard of broken tacos

Tonight, my wife assembled the perfect taco. She takes an avant-garde approach, first lining the inside of the shell with sour cream and then layering the perfect amount of freshly shredded cheddar cheese. Next comes the meat followed by finely diced tomatoes, onions, avocado and cilantro. My sons and I watched her construct her gastronomical masterpiece while recklessly shoving our

Read more

Everyone is on a battlefield, even your kids.

Every single person on this planet is going through some kind of struggle. Moreover, every single person’s struggle is the worst thing happening in their world and by extension, the biggest concern they have about the world at large. This isn’t because people are totally self centered, it’s just how our brains are wired. We magnify danger and fixate upon

Read more
« Older Entries